Thursday, October 24, 2013

Turkey Crack-Up

I found this in F. Scott Fitzgerald’s 1945 collection of essays, notebook excerpts, and letters, The Crack-Up

TURKEY REMAINS AND HOW TO INTER THEM WITH NUMEROUS SCARCE RECIPES

At this post holiday season, the refrigerators of the nation are overstuffed with large masses of turkey, the sight of which is calculated to give an adult an attack of dizziness. It seems, therefore, an appropriate time to give the owners the benefit of my experience as an old gourmet, in using this surplus material. Some of the recipes have been in my family for generations. (This usually occurs when rigor mortis sets in.) They were collected over years, from old cook books, yellowed diaries of the Pilgrim Fathers, mail order catalogues, golf-bags and trash cans. Not one but has been tried and proven — there are headstones all over America to testify to the fact.

Very well then. Here goes:

Turkey Cocktail: To one large turkey add one gallon of vermouth and a demijohn of angostura bitters. Shake.

Turkey à la Francais: Take a large ripe turkey, prepare as for basting and stuff with old watches and chains and monkey meat. Proceed as with cottage pudding.

Turkey and Water: Take one turkey and one pan of water. Heat the latter to the boiling point and then put in the refrigerator. When it has jelled, drown the turkey in it. Eat. In preparing this recipe it is best to have a few ham sandwiches around in case things go wrong.

Turkey Mongole: Take three butts of salami and a large turkey skeleton, from which the feathers and natural stuffing have been removed. Lay them out on the table and call up some Mongole in the neighborhood to tell you how to proceed from there.

Turkey Mousse: Seed a large prone turkey, being careful to remove the bones, flesh, fins, gravy, etc. Blow up with a bicycle pump. Mount in becoming style and hang in the front hall.

Stolen Turkey: Walk quickly from the market, and, if accosted, remark with a laugh that it had just flown into your arms and you hadn’t noticed it. Then drop the turkey with the white of one egg—well, anyhow, beat it.

Turkey à la Crême: Prepare the crême a day in advance. Deluge the turkey with it and cook for six days over a blast furnace. Wrap in fly paper and serve.

Turkey Hash: This is the delight of all connoisseurs of the holiday beast, but few understand how really to prepare it. Like a lobster, it must be plunged alive into boiling water, until it becomes bright red or purple or something, and then before the color fades, placed quickly in a washing machine and allowed to stew in its own gore as it is whirled around. Only then is it ready for hash. To hash, take a large sharp tool like a nail-file or, if none is handy, a bayonet will serve the purpose—and then get at it! Hash it well! Bind the remains with dental floss and serve.

Feathered Turkey: To prepare this, a turkey is necessary and a one pounder cannon to compel anyone to eat it. Broil the feathers and stuff with sage-brush, old clothes, almost anything you can dig up. Then sit down and simmer. The feathers are to be eaten like artichokes (and this is not to be confused with the old Roman custom of tickling the throat.)

Turkey à la Maryland: Take a plump turkey to a barber’s and have him shaved, or if a female bird, given a facial and a water wave. Then, before killing him, stuff with old newspapers and put him to roost. He can then be served hot or raw, usually with a thick gravy of mineral oil and rubbing alcohol. (Note: This recipe was given me by an old black mammy.)

Turkey Remnant: This is one of the most useful recipes for, though not, “chic,” it tells what to do with the turkey after the holiday, and how to extract the most value from it. Take the remnants, or, if they have been consumed, take the various plates on which the turkey or its parts have rested and stew them for two hours in milk of magnesia. Stuff with moth-balls.

Turkey with Whiskey Sauce: This recipe is for a party of four. Obtain a gallon of whiskey, and allow it to age for several hours. Then serve, allowing one quart for each guest. The next day the turkey should be added, little by little, constantly stirring and basting.

For Weddings or Funerals: Obtain a gross of small white boxes such as are used for bride’s cake. Cut the turkey into small squares, roast, stuff, kill, boil, bake and allow to skewer. Now we are ready to begin. Fill each box with a quantity of soup stock and pile in a handy place. As the liquid elapses, the prepared turkey is added until the guests arrive. The boxes delicately tied with white ribbons are then placed in the handbags of the ladies, or in the men’s side pockets.

There I guess that’s enough turkey talk. I hope I’ll never see or hear of another until—well, until next year..




Monday, October 21, 2013

Cooking with Uncle Sam - Vintage Food Posters and Food Art

I found this glorious WEBSITE for Foodys and those who appreciate graphic arts, history and political posters. I tell you, there are treasures there. Just hit the Preview buttons and enjoy.
"Food. We love it, fear it, and obsess about it.
We demand that our Government ensure that it is safe, cheap, and abundant. In response, Government has been a factor in the production, regulation, research, innovation, and economics of our food supply. It has also attempted, with varying success, to change the eating habits of Americans.

From the farm to the dinner table, explore the records of the National Archives that trace the Government’s effect on what Americans eat."







Friday, October 18, 2013

Wild Socks

UPDATE: You can own this pair of President George H. W. Bush's socks:
PORTLAND, Maine -- PORTLAND, Maine (AP) — Former President George H.W. Bush says his wife is getting fed up with his flashy socks, so he's donated an exceptional pair of bright, cactus-themed socks to a church fundraiser.

I have always loved wild socks. My lucky socks have tropical fish on them. I have socks with stars, giraffes, chili peppers, horses, comets and ice cream cones in color palettes both staid and iridescent. I have paisley socks.

I was especially gratified to see that I am not alone. President George H.W. Bush also knows that crazy socks are the height of sartorial splendor. Is this a plug for crazy socks? Yes.

Click *here* to send the President a picture of your crazy socks to celebrate his birthday. I cannot think of any better way to show President Bush our affection and esteem. Or a better way to welcome a new advertiser Ozone Socks. 


"This post was created in partnership with eAccountable. All opinions are my own."

Monday, October 14, 2013

SuperBugs in Our Food?

“If we are not careful, we will soon be in a post-antibiotic era,” Dr. Tom Frieden, the CDC’s director, said in a media briefing. “And for some patients and for some microbes, we are already there.”
Some very bad bacteria have developed resistance to antibiotics. The Center for Disease Control has released a new report Antibiotic Resistance Threats in the United States 2013.

A number of these antibiotic resistant bacteria result in food borne illnesses. Antibiotic use in food animals can result in resistant bacteria, Campylobacter for example, that can spread to humans through the food we eat. Remember what Mom told you: Wash your hands! Wash your hands!

The CDC warns us:
The use of antibiotics is the single most important factor leading to antibiotic resistance around the world . Antibiotics are among the most commonly prescribed drugs used in human medicine. However, up to 50% of all the antibiotics prescribed for people are not needed or are not optimally effective as prescribed .
Antibiotics are also commonly used in food animals to prevent, control, and treat disease, and to promote the growth of food-producing animals . The use of antibiotics for promoting growth is not necessary, and the practice should be phased out . Recent guidance from the U .S . Food and Drug Administration (FDA) describes a pathway toward this goal.
It is difficult to directly compare the amount of drugs used in food animals with the amount used in humans, but there is evidence that more antibiotics are used in food production . 
What can you do to help with this serious health concern? The CDC answers many questions HERE. One way, and an increasing popular way to protect yourself and your community from antibiotic resistance, is to become a Vegetarian and/or reduce your consumption of commercially produced meat. The money quotation from the article:

Q: How can I prevent antibiotic-resistant infections?

Only use antibiotics when they are likely to be beneficial
A: By visiting this website, you are taking the first step to reducing your risk of getting antibiotic-resistant infections. It is important to understand that, although they are very useful drugs, antibiotics designed for bacterial infections are not useful for viral infections such as a cold, cough, or the flu. Some useful tips to remember are:
  1. Talk with your healthcare provider about antibiotic resistance:
    • Ask whether an antibiotic is likely to be beneficial for your illness
    • Ask what else you can do to feel better sooner
  2. Do not take an antibiotic for a viral infection like a cold or the flu.
  3. Do not save some of your antibiotic for the next time you get sick. Discard any leftover medication once you have completed your prescribed course of treatment.
  4. Take an antibiotic exactly as the healthcare provider tells you. Do not skip doses. Complete the prescribed course of treatment even if you are feeling better. If treatment stops too soon, some bacteria may survive and re-infect.
  5. Do not take antibiotics prescribed for someone else. The antibiotic may not be appropriate for your illness. Taking the wrong medicine may delay correct treatment and allow bacteria to multiply.
  6. If your healthcare provider determines that you do not have a bacterial infection, ask about ways to help relieve your symptoms. Do not pressure your provider to prescribe an antibiotic.