For Simon Fokt Ph.D.

With laughs, this set runs for one or two minutes. When I remember an additional minute, I will add it. There is more, but I have yet to perform this set since I had both knees replaced. 

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I am so upset tonight.

You are a comedy audience. Get with it. You have lines. I say: I am very upset. And you say: Awwww. So let’s take it from the top.

I am very upset.

Awwwwww.

I found out my boyfriend is fucking two other women.

(visual joke: I am 80).

Men are animals.

Dogs are more faithful.

I said to him, HAMZA: you keep doing the three women cha cha, you will need more than viagra to get it up. You are going to need a crane.

I said to him, HAMZA: you keep doing the three women cha cha, you going to cha cha yourself right into bypass city.

Listen, I am progressive. When we go to Miami, I buy him a beach bunny. Sometimes two. It is the deceit. And the whining. “I want to go to Miami.” One day, I will drop him off at Tabatchnik’s, where I picked him up.

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Simon chastised me for being rude, crude and pornographic. So...? I think of this as giving him some bang for his bunk.

Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone somewhere, may be happy. 

H. L. MENCKEN (1880-1956), U.S. journalist.