For Simon Fokt Ph.D.

With laughs, this set runs for one or two minutes. When I remember an additional minute, I will add it. There is more, but I have yet to perform this set since I had both knees replaced. 

//////////////////

I am so upset tonight.

You are a comedy audience. Get with it. You have lines. I say: I am very upset. And you say: Awwww. So let’s take it from the top.

I am very upset.

Awwwwww.

I found out my boyfriend is fucking two other women.

(visual joke: I am 80).

Men are animals.

Dogs are more faithful.

I said to him, HAMZA: you keep doing the three women cha cha, you will need more than viagra to get it up. You are going to need a crane.

I said to him, HAMZA: you keep doing the three women cha cha, you going to cha cha yourself right into bypass city.

Listen, I am progressive. When we go to Miami, I buy him a beach bunny. Sometimes two. It is the deceit. And the whining. “I want to go to Miami.” One day, I will drop him off at Tabatchnik’s, where I picked him up.

///////////////////////

Simon chastised me for being rude, crude and pornographic. So...? I think of this as giving him some bang for his bunk.

Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone somewhere, may be happy. 

H. L. MENCKEN (1880-1956), U.S. journalist.

 

PETS - A Bunny Cop and Songs for Easter

Happy Easter!

I really like this Officer. I would like to make him my Pet. I want to stroke his ears. The photograph gives me odd erotic palpitations. 

“As for me I will follow the path of the pink bunnies.”― Magenta Periwinkle

Notes from Wikipedia: the Writer's Friend. I send them a small amount monthly to keep Wikipedia free. 

James Clarence Wakely was an American actor, songwriter, country Western music vocalist, and one of the last singing cowboys. He wrote the song he is singing in this vintage film. During the 1930s, 1940s, and 1950s, he released records, appeared in several B-Western movies with most of the major studios, appeared on radio and television, and even had his own series of comic books.

Little Bunny Foo Foo" is a children's poem and song. The poem consists of four-line sung verses separated by some spoken words. The verses are sung to the tune of the French-Canadian children's song "Alouette" (1879), which is melodically similar to "Down by the Station" (1948) and the "Itsy Bitsy Spider".[1] The person performing the song usually includes hand gestures, e.g. for "scooping" and "bopping".[1]





T

Bede's Beat Redux - 10th Anniversary Edition

 April Fool for Love 

“I still believe that peace and plenty and happiness can be worked out some way. I am a fool.” - Kurt Vonnegut

"Everybody plays the fool, sometime. There's no exception to the rule, listen baby. It may be factual, it may be cruel, I ain't lying. Everybody plays the fool." - Aaron Neville

I asked The Execrable Bede for a special April Fool's Day song. Bede reminded me April is the Anniversary of Lady Day's birth in Philadelphia, PA, on April 7, 1915. 

Happy Birthday, Billie Holiday. We still listen to your Songs. We miss you. Rest in Love and Music.

Bede is one of the Authors who made this blog a success. Rest in Peace and Music. Read all of Bede's Beat.

Tradition: The Fool Can Say Anything Without Punishment

This is the work of Irene Adler. 

I am a problem wherever I go. I test the rules just existing. I do not plan it that way. I just cannot act right. I get (de?)-moralized out of human groups fairly often. I just do not know how to shut up. As Lady Shrink tactfully puts it, I am an activist by temperament.

It is the late 80s, and I am busy trying new jokes out in a motel bar Open Mic, where comedians hang out and do the same. Not much civilian audience, if any.

If you are a man, you can stand up in front of the mic and just say fugga fugga fugga suck and every.body, particularly the drunk Penn students in the second row, laughs and claps. If you are the only woman comic in the room and you say the word clit, your fellows grimace and make horns at you and sigh loudly in disgust. 1987.

Women just are not funny right? Women comedians, particularly women comedians who did sexual humor, were struggling against active male resistance. Maybe they just did not like me? Maybe I am just an annoying snowflake? Well yeah but even the annoying have feelings. Sniff.

Jim Gaffigan followed me out of an Open Mic once, I was near tears. Jim apologized for the beating I was taking because I was doing sexual humor. What a funny good man.

I was working out of the Arts Cafe in Princeton New Jersey in a sketch comedy troupe I produced: Ultrasonic Theatre — Only Dogs Can Hear Us. 

When Art Kelly got arrested, every other male comedian had a pedophile joke. I was pregnant out to there and I had this pregnancy and abortion joke. Okay it was kind of sick.

Troupe, I have this joke.

What’s the joke.

The joke is: I am 43 years old, and I am pregnant, but I am not worried. If it turns out to be a cretin, I will train it to eat me and I can still have orgasms when I am 85.

Disgusting. You cannot say that.

Hey, it’s gallows humor. Black humor, you know. Gets people through war and pestilence. I am talking about death and deformity.

Sick and disgusting. You cannot say that.

A woman who is pregnant at 43 stands a 1 in 26 chance of birthing a handicapped child. The kid might have a hole in its spine and never walk or talk. The only test you could have at the time was given at 4.5 months. One could not get the results until 5 months pregnant. Meanwhile, you can feel the kid jumping around inside going “It’s great in here.”

If the kid is defective, you are bumping up against the 23-week mark upon which the fetus has a chance at survival. You going to kill it because it might be like me, ODD, even though you can feel it doing cartwheels going “It’s great in here.” 

t was a hardass time. Nobody wanted to let me talk about it. Wanted pregnancy. Turned out to be a girl named Jessica Lorraine. All her fingers and toes.

I was crestfallen. Shamed even. I am a grown abused child. I have a big problem with shame. I decided to tell my joke to Lady Shrink. I am bipolar. Most comedians are bipolar according to a study I read.

Once, I said to her, “Never leave me.” She said “Don’t worry. I am taking the phone into my coffin.” That is pretty funny for a PhD. I feel safe. She never pushes my shame or defiance button. Woman saved my life by treating me for free for a while. I am sending her a link to this opus.

I told her the joke. Shrink practically falls off her chair she is laughing so hard. I am getting worried. Finally, she wipes her eyes and says

“Mary, I will pay you any reasonable sum if you do that joke for the Parents of Handicapped Children Support Group to which I belong. We will laugh our asses off.”

Who is/was the sick person here? Censorship sucks the big badoodie. Hurts me. Hurts society. I will believe censorship is useful when we censor stochastic terrorism to the same degree we censor sex. It is a pet hate of mine, and I think I will write more about it.

I will close with a short eulogy for Lenny Bruce. For those who do not know who Lenny Bruce is, he is The Fool who made it safe for all the rest of us to say the word FUCK and defecate verbally on religion. The Governor of New York formally forgave him for the crime of obscenity 30 years after his death. 

My Hero who did too much heroin for the pain, played Carnegie Hall and went to jail for saying fuck.

Join me. Let us give Lenny Bruce the tribute he has earned. On the count of three, let us all yell FUCK as loudly as we can wherever we are.

 One, two, three: FUCK! Good night, Lenny, wherever you are.

Play the video. This is a multi-media experience.

“There is only what is and that’s it. What should be is a dirty lie.”

― Lenny Bruce, How to Talk Dirty and Influence People

”If you can’t say “Fuck” you can’t say, “Fuck the government.”

Lenny Bruce — Complete Live Standup (Rare, 1965) — YouTube

WOKE quote for today: “No woman could have been Nietzsche or Rimbaud without ending up in a whorehouse or lobotomized.
― Andrea Dworkin, Right-Wing Women