Melancholia Agitata

Melancholia Agitata is what I am suffering through used to be called. I cannot sleep. I am voraciously restless and living in a well of darkness at once. I have been through this before. It ruins my relationships, my work, everything goes kablooey. I never know when it is going to happen. I lost jobs. I lost people. I lost homes.

I will get to talk to Lady Shrink today in the afternoon and that is good.

I do not want to scare anybody. This is not a complaint. It is just a description. I am out of the closet with my crazy. More than anything I want to be understood. It has taken me years to come to terms with my illness. I preferred for a long time to think of myself as bad. You can do something about bad. What can you do with nutz?

A good thing to read if you know somebody like me is Touched with Fire: Manic-Depressive Illness and the Artistic Temperament by the American psychologist Kay Redfield Jamison. She examines the relationship between bipolar disorder and artistic creativity. 

A study was done which looked at 12 successful Comedians. The parameters were 1. actively working and 2. had earnings of at least $500,000.00 per year. All 12 were Bipolar Bunnies like me. I would give you a link but I am too manic to find the reference right now. 

I am grateful I do not get drunk over this crap and fuck 50 people anymore. Mostly because now that I am older than dirt getting drunk like I used to would kill me for sure. Thank you AA. Lady Shrink told me that 80% of clients presenting with drug addiction are self medicating for a mental disorder.

Peace to everyone especially me. I love you all, my friends. That I write this means I am better than I was.