Ballad of the Sunday Gunny

Gun fired during Mass
By William Kibler, The Altoona Mirror

A legally carried handgun discharged in the pocket of an attendee at Easter vigil Mass at the Cathedral of the Blessed Sacrament on Saturday evening. A critical piece of the handgun apparently caught on the man's pants as he stood up, according to Altoona police officer Christy Heck. The safety apparently was not engaged, she said.

Print by Jared Aubel.  Find out more HERE. There are other versions of this fine Print. 

Ballad of the Sunday Gunny by Lance Thruster

Well, I don't care if it rains or freezes,

long as I can do trigger squeezes,
sittin' in church, packin' in my pants.
Comes in colors, blued or silver.

My good book don't try to pilfer.
I'll mow you down if you so much as glance.

Get yourself a Great Equalizer.

Your congregation won't be any wiser,
A manly grip of abalone shell.
10 round mag, now ain't that scary, 

right in front of the Virgin Mary,
I will send your sorry ass to Hell.

Gun goes off, now ain't that somethin'.

Folks'll think that I'm a bumpkin.

I almost shot my nuts clean through.
Make sure you're safe on Easter Sunday, 

and not some boob laughed at on Monday
just because you put a bullet in the pew.

The Evil Queen Said What? - UPDATE

Cardinal Burke said that the Roman Catholic Church, led by Pope Frankie, is a 'rudderless ship.' 

I love my Papa Frank. As long as we are flinging poo, Cardinal, I think I will join in the fun.

When I was confirmed at Immaculate Conception, there was an altar rail between me and the Bishop's johnson. I never see pictures of Pope Frankie with some guy's face in his crotch. I wonder if the phrase 'tone deaf' has any meaning for the Cardinal.

Pope Frankie did not ask for much. Pope Frankie only asked Burke to shut the fuck up. You would think a prince of the church would have the grace and good sense to accommodate God's representative on Earth. Hey, do not give me any lip. I am just holding the RCC to its own standards. 

Do you think the Cardinal is a power top? If it looks like a power top and walks like a power top ... well, you know. Cardinal Burke has so much 'rudder' he needs some nameless, faceless boy to carry it for him and look after his hat. See that big honker of a ruby ring that matches Burke's rudder?

Cardinal Burke says it is not a good idea to invite my same-sex-married Sister and her spouse to Christmas Dinner because it may hurt the children to see them. Never mind the happy couple has a son biologically related to both Women. 

First, when did Cardinal Burke become the Host at my holiday dinner table? What hubris. What revolting narcissism.

Second, I do not want my children and grandchildren to see Cardinal Burke. They might point and laugh, and that is rude. We must avoid "occasions of sin."

Third, I want to avoid seeing Cardinal Burke. Evil Queen. Evidently, Pope Frankie feels the same way.

See the Nuns way back there on the balcony in the photograph?

Thank you, Federico Fellini, for the fabulous fashion tips. Do you think all this satin and lace and nasty remarks about my family is what Jesus had in mind? Do ya think Cardinal Burke would look better in purple than the red with ermine? So stodgy. Cardinal Burke needs help.

I am all alone. My housemates are gone for 10 days.

I am on Vacation. Live so that when you open your eyes in the morning the Devil says "OMG She is awake." Woohoo! 

Note: Talk among yourselves, if you like. Put your gum in the wastebasket, not under your desk. Leave the Light on in the Foyer. 

Mangey Fetlocks is The Man!

 I bow down to a Doggerel Master. So fine.